My latest experience has been one that I have been ever so grateful for. Motherhood. It absolutely blows my mind that I somehow lived without the existence of my little Te Kanawa just four months ago. I like to think that beforehand, he was rooting me on, shaking his head at me when I stumbled, and cheering me on again as I got back up each time. Motherhood has not been something that came to me easily. Alongside my sweet husband, we walked a very rocky road that at times I felt that I could no longer continue on. We so desperately wanted to become parents and in turn were told that it was not the right time. The first time I miscarried, we had already told most of our family and some friends. I playfully gave my husband an early Christmas gift and held back overwhelming emotions as he opened the box to find a positive pregnancy test. We were over the moon for this little one that was growing inside of me. I started thinking about the future, making plans, and shopping online. The day it happened, I kind of knew that it was coming. Despite how hard I tried to ignore the signs, and all the pep talks I gave myself repeating that ‘everything would be fine’, we lost our first little one at just eight weeks. We were in a home we didn’t know in New Zealand, and it was a land that seemed so far away from everything familiar to me. The order of emotions I felt after that were random. One day I’d feel okay and somewhat positive. The next day I’d want to hide in my room the entire day and just sleep. The following day I’d feel angry; angry at my body and angry at my Heavenly Father.
Despite my rainbow of emotions, my loving husband was always there. He fed me when I wanted to wither away. He encouraged me to visit friends to take my mind away from the pain. And most importantly, he loved me…all of me. He showed my inner demons compassion, and the good in me support. He kept my head right when I would question or blame the Lord. My faith was shaken, but his never faltered. He was my rock. Because of him, I eventually felt ready to try again. Finally I got a positive pregnancy test again and I can’t even begin to describe how terrified I was. The innocence of pregnancy was gone. This time we told only a few people and kept our emotions under control to avoid the big disappointment that could and would come. I avoided any and all baby shopping. I hesitantly bonded with this little one, and I nervously waited for the twelve week mark to come. Around eight weeks, I began to have the same symptoms as the first time. I thought that there was a chance that everything might be okay. But the night it happened, I was barely okay myself. Not many people know, but I just about bled out and SHOULD HAVE gone to the ER. Miscarrying naturally can be a very scary thing because you never know if everything has passed. I would get up every hour and have to sort myself out. It wasn’t until the early hours of the morning, that I started to lose consciousness when I would go to the bathroom. In fact, one of the times I headed back to our bed and didn’t quite make it. Ara got the biggest fright of his life hearing and seeing me hit the floor. The pain after losing this little one wasn’t quite as bad, but only because it was something familiar. I knew this heartache. It was an old friend.
In hindsight, I see the pathway that we were on and why we had to live through those experiences. I told you that my faith was shaken, well afterwards it was stronger than ever. Our timing wasn’t perfect, and the Lord knew it. That summer, Ara got an internship in Hawaii at the Polynesian Cultural Center. I knew we needed to go there. I was inspired to contact an old BYUH teacher of mine to live with, and we have since become close friends with them. I was able to reconcile a relationship with my cousin in Hawaii that seemed impossible to fix. Hawaii healed me, mind body and soul. We made memories, ate tasty food, and enjoyed the lush land through hikes, swims and good people. The internship itself would have not been possible had we been successful with our own planning. Fast forward to now….Ara got another wonderful internship in my hometown this summer because of his experience at the previous internship in Hawaii. We don’t know where our pathway goes, but we do know that trusting the process is important. We finally have our sweet bubba, and we couldn’t be happier spending his first few months of life around so much family. My heart is overflowing with love and faith. To say that things have worked out perfectly would be an understatement…but that’s another story to tell. Anyways, To Be Continued..